christmas is for children

Let’s not overlook the most important gift I could ask for this season: the Ravens in the playoffs. Expect to see a lot more of the #5 jersey over the next few weeks. I’d say something clever in anticipation of the next playoff round, like, “I hope this year’s Dolphins play like last year’s Dolphins [...]

bum rush the sound I made a year ago

For folks traveling today, tomorrow or later: here are a list of items the TSA will confiscate from travelers. This list includes the following weapons of mass destruction: Gel inserts in your shoes. (Tom: “Are you gellin’?” “I’m gellin’ like a felon. No, literally, I have been arrested and am facing criminal charges.”) Snow globes. [...]

rappenin’ is what’s happenin’

I’m abandoning political discussion for a while. Looking back over the tone of my political entries, you could charitably call them “condescending” and justifiably label them “assholish.” If someone talked about the Ravens with half the venom that I devote to the Ruling Party, I’d spit on them. And lots of people like the Ruling [...]

you want stylin’, you know it’s time again

A coworker came by my desk waving a sheet of paper. “We’re doing betting squares for the game this weekend. You want in?” “No thanks,” I said. “Come on. Only five bucks!” “Thanks anyway; I’ve got better things to spend my five bucks on.” “Like what?” “I don’t know … lunch? Movie tickets? Beer?” “You [...]

I ran like a cheetah with thoughts of an assassin

Observed in Target this past Thursday: a scruffy white guy in his late-20s with an oversized sweatshirt, depicting one of Snow White’s dwarves giving a fist jab to the Grim Reaper, under the motto “COUSINS.” I stared unabashedly at the guy until I recognized the dwarf as Sleepy, and then I was like, oh, yeah. [...]

I hear more than I’d like to

The great thing about absolute tragedies, on the scale of the one we suffered seven years ago today, is that they validate whatever story you’re telling at the time. Take Hurricane Katrina. Katrina proved to the social conservatives that only a strict culture of law and order would prevent people from rioting in a power [...]

if the hate doesn’t make you want to die, try harder

I’m reprinting this op-ed from my birthplace’s paper of record on why the War on Drugs is destroying this country without further comment: Imagine you’re Cheye Calvo, the white mayor of Berwyn Heights, an affluent part of Prince George’s County. Coming home one night in late July, you find on your front porch a large [...]

and you may tell yourself: this is not my beautiful house!

Dear Yahoo! News, These were your “top stories” on Tuesday, August 26th. These were your “top stories” on Wednesday, August 27th. And these were your “top stories” on Thursday, August 28th. In that time, Russia has formally recognized the sovereignty of the breakaway Georgian rebels. Major League Baseball has adopted instant replay for close home [...]

less than zero, less than zero

I have tried to hold off on political posts of late until I have recent news stories that make both presumptive nominees look dumb. Starting with the Ruling Party: MarketWatch asks what qualifications a green Navy pilot and mediocre senator has to be President. His campaign finance law failed to significantly reduce the role of [...]

ten thousand years ago, crawling on the floor

Three anecdotes:Driving to work the other day, I saw a car at the light ahead of me with the license plate TLW 862. I thought nothing of it. Driving to work the other day, I saw a car at the light ahead of me with the license plate JEP 401. “Hey,” I thought, “those are [...]