went to a dance, looking for romance

I don’t know why you people continue to listen to my political blather. I’ve openly and repeatedly acknowledged that I don’t vote and probably never will*. I’m also a bit of a crackpot. But still people argue with what I assert as if it had weight. Here, let me try this: reading my political opinions has been linked, but not definitively tied, with an increase in the risk of heart disease. You’ve been warned.

Inspired by a conversation I had last week with , and since today’s Super Tuesday, I’m going to rank the Big Four in order from Least Disliked to Most Disliked:

(1) Barack Obama (Dem., Oz): He’s at least rhetorically in favor of ending one of America’s conflicts in the Middle East. Plus, if his favorite TV show is The Wire, as he’s repeatedly claimed, then he’s at least sympathetic to the notion that the War on Drugs is failing. Also, saying, “I wouldn’t mind Obama” gives me a lot of street-cred in young and liberal Massachusetts. These are probably the shallowest reasons ever to endorse a candidate, except for the reasons that 90% of the voting public uses. Note that this doesn’t mean I like him.

(2) Mitt Romney (Rep., Mos Eisley): The great thing about an absolutely unprincipled mercenary is that you can count on him to go where the money is. It’s the people with ethics you have to worry about. You know, the ones who say they’re “defenders of liberty” and then sign warrantless wiretaps into law, or the ones who say “keep your laws off my body” and then ban trans fats. But Romney’s so depraved it’s predictable. I suspect he’s too much of a huckster to mean most of the things he says (like “double Gitmo”). Congress can put the brakes on anything truly abysmal, like a Constitutional ban on gay marriage, and merely allow him to do all the stupid things that Presidents usually do. Note that this doesn’t mean I like him.

(3) Hillary Clinton (Dem., Klingon): I could make more of the fact that she somehow managed to co-opt withdrawal from Iraq as a campaign plank without ever managing to explain why voting for the war in Iraq for the first five years was a good idea. But if I start calling politicians on changing their stances now, then, well, heh heh, that’d just be wacky. In sum: she’s struck me as hawkish for years and the polarization between Democrat and GOP that the campaign season’s brought on hasn’t lightened her views.

(4) John McCain (Rep., Springfield Retirement Castle): John McCain is literally senile. I’m not exaggerating – I believe he’s genuinely in the early stages of what will become dementia, Alzheimer’s or just general cerebral collapse. He roasts Romney for supporting torture, but voted for the Military Commissions Act. He’s considering withdrawing from public financing of his campaign because of the limits it imposes – limits that were written into a bill he authored. He favors the harshest punishments for medical marijuana users, despite the fact that his wife got off easy when abusing painkillers. He lit a fire under Congress to start investigating drug use in Major League Baseball four years ago, and is now gleefully accepting endorsements from convicted HGH smugglers.

Even by the low standards we apply to career politicians, McCain does not understand the consequences of his actions. He’s insane. And I know that word gets bandied about a lot, so I don’t mean “insane” like the really hardcore liberals think Bush or Cheney is insane. I mean “barely capable of goal-oriented thinking.” I’m already bothered enough by the notion that the U.S.’s next President will start a war with Iran based on the same sloppy standards of evidence that got the U.S. into Iraq. But McCain could start a war in Iran because the radio told him to.

I don’t see what the appeal is. If you want a hawk, vote Hillary, or Romney if you can’t stomach crossing the party lines. If you want a guy who’ll end torture, vote Obama. But could someone who supports McCain please tell me what the appeal is? Is it the idea that electing a man so demonstrably crazy will intimidate our enemies, foreign and domestic? “That’s right – we voted a slavering old coot into the most powerful office in human history! Quit pestering us about the Kyoto Treaty, or next term we’ll elect a dog! That’s right, President Dog in 2012! We won’t even give him an adorable name! Confront the unthinking eyes of our Commander-in-Chief!”

So that’s my take on the subject.
* Nominate a candidate who’ll end the War on Drugs, repeal the Military Commissions Act and balance the budget and you’ll find me a more agreeable character. However, I consider this promise equivalent to, ‘I don’t vote and I probably never will,’ so I feel pretty solid.


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